For me, the worst part of having COVID is not actually having COVID, but instead the constant worry and anxiety about who I may have infected. Did my hug spread COVID to my dear friend? Did my presence in the kitchen give COVID to my father or mother? Did my simple act of eating lunch in the designated cafeteria area spread COVID to my coworkers and friends? I am having mild symptoms but will they?
It is a dark place, having COVID, your mind continuously racing about when you started being infectious and where in fact did you get it from… COVID has made me go through all five stages of grief, not always in order and sometimes jumping from one stage back to another, but each emotion, present in my very “Groundhog Day”-style life.
Denial- I could not believe the lady on the phone… Positive? Me? I simply had sneezing and a runny nose, no different from any head cold during any other year. I had lost taste and smell but again I attributed it to just a common cold. I got tested to be “better safe than sorry.” Positive? They must have the wrong person. I even texted my sister “could this be a false positive?” Her answer of “probably not” did not sit very well with me. But remembering my friend who had COVID back in March whose only symptom was her loss of taste and smell…. Maybe it is true.
Bargaining- Please, God if this is true, please let my family and friends and coworkers and patients be safe. I had heard stories about super spreaders… would that be me??? How would COVID attack my family and their lungs? Please keep my friends who had chosen to spend time with me this weekend safe. Then next, my role as a medical student, please don’t let me have infected any coworkers or patients.
Anger- How did this happen? I have been so careful with my PPE at the hospital and have worn my mask diligently. I wear my mask everywhere when I go out of the house and have hand sanitizers in every pocket. I have been seeing my friends but most of the time in the outdoors and in socially acceptable small numbers. How did this happen?
Depression- Feeling as if I don’t want to see another human again. Feeling that as a med student, I took an oath but yet spread disease and anxiety to my family, friends, coworkers. Feeling as though this is the beginning of a dark dark winter for our society.
Acceptance- Have I accepted that I have COVID? Indeed. Have I accepted that most of this is out of my control? Yes. Have I accepted that I need to isolate myself in a room to keep others safe? Yes. Have I accepted that this will be our future? No, I haven’t, and I am hopeful in science and in healthcare, that I won’t have to.
Comments